Stepping into the Void

On October 26, 2020, Doubting Faithfully: Confessions of a Skeptical Pastor was officially unleashed upon the world. I still have my doubts and spiritual questions about the Bible, the Church, and the point of humankind. I am as passionate as ever about the importance of naming what I don't know and opening up to what might be and my life as a pastor and student of the universe is still evolving.

In celebration of becoming a published author all those Octobers ago and at the behest of book reviewer and writer Mike Morrell, whom I recently had the great pleasure of chatting with about Doubting Faithfully on his YouTube Channel (a link to our conversation coming soon,) here's how I answered Mike's thought-provoking questions.

Question: Keith, you open your book with a literal leap--a six-story plunge off a decommissioned bridge. Later, you compare this to your spiritual freefall as a pastor losing theological certainty. What gave you the courage to jump into public vulnerability as a still-serving pastor?

Answer: I jumped into public vulnerability because I doubted that religious doctrine was binding. When I was faced with my dying friend's atheism, something came alive in me that caused a doubling-down on God's grace--an intuitive knowing that our human traditions and beliefs held little sway with God. And if somehow those beliefs did hold sway, then perhaps "that God" was not worth serving, so I might as well be open about that as well. I wondered: What kind of omnipotent Creator would place that much emphasis on humanity's finite mental assent?

So I jumped because being honest about being human felt like a worthy gamble in terms of reaching my potential as a person and as a pastor. I was curious to see what would happen, who would notice, and whether my uncertainty could help more than hinder others who questioned as much as I did while striving to live within the religious experience. I jumped because I was spiritually bored and craving adventure. The only other doubters aka "jumpers" I'd heard of had either waited to leap until they retired, left the ministry, or died. That felt like incredibly small thinking to me. The kind of grace I believed in was radically bigger, big enough to hold my questions and endure my skepticism.

Ultimately, I jumped into that level of vulnerability because that's the level of vulnerability and honesty that Jesus modeled. Jesus was nothing short of all-in. He demonstrated total commitment in God's grace. Jesus' grace was the kind that walked the talk. Not speaking my truth with doubt out of fear of what people might think of me? That felt hypocritical at best, cowardly at worst. In short, I jumped because I'm a risk taker at heart!